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Brad was just completing his divorce after having actually been married for over 25 years. He had actually not dated in what appeared like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new relationship?” he asked me in our counseling session.
” What are you most concerned about?” I asked.
” Sex,” he answered.
” What about sex?” I asked.
Pause … “Well … performance. What if I can’t carry out? What if I’m too nervous to perform?”
” Okay. Let’s start with sex.”
In the 35 years that I have actually been counseling, I have actually found that the one mistake people make in beginning a new relationship is to have sex prematurely. There are many reasons individuals make love prematurely: they believe it will produce much deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they hesitate of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Let’s take the example of Yvonne.
Yvonne is a charming girl in her middle thirties who really wants to get wed and have children. She has no trouble satisfying guys, however the relationships don’t last. They rarely even get started.
I haven’t had such a great time in years! Yvonne agreed that they were having a fantastic time. She put aside her inner warning signals and had sex with him.
The truth is that, no matter how wonderful things seem on the 2nd or first date, this is not enough time to deeply care about someone. And sex without deep caring might be a physically gratifying experience, but it is flat mentally and spiritually. They attempted to get the intimate connection through sex, however excellent sex is an outgrowth of intimacy, not a cause of it.
Deep caring comes through costs time together getting to understand each other. It comes from having conflict and getting through it to understanding each other on much deeper levels. You need to love somebody’s soul prior to you will be willing to go through the obstacles that come up in all relationships.
What I stated to Brad was, “Take your time. If the very first time you make love you do not get an erection it will not mess up the relationship, do not leap into bed until you feel so safe with each other that even. It might take months or longer prior to you feel that safe with someone.”
” Months? I’m expected to wait months prior to making love?”
” Brad, I do not understand for how long it will take for you to feel liked and loving, safe and deeply caring. It depends on just how much time you time you invest with each other. It depends upon how sincere you are with each other. It depends on how you each deal with dispute. You will definitely not feel safe up until you have dispute and see how the two of you handle it. What if you discover that your partner entirely shuts down or gets infuriated in conflict? Will you feel safe if you are worried about her reaction if you can’t perform? All this takes time. What’s your rush? Is it sex you desire or a relationship you desire?
” Okay, I got it. I desire a relationship. Whew! I really feel some relief understanding that it’s okay to take my time!”